The Terrifying Truth Behind the Halloween Pumpkin Patch and Bake Sale

10/1/2024 11:13 am

Pumpkins… what are they really?

Sure, you could believe that a pumpkin is large orange squash with a thick durable rind whose cultivation can be traced back 7,000 years or more. But if we dig beneath the surface, what aren’t they telling us?

FACT: No one knows what a pumpkin really is! According to wikipedia “it does not possess a scientific definition and may be used in reference to many different squashes of varied appearance.”

FACT: Despite being released via “patches” there is no benefit to integrating a pumpkin into any known software update… or none that they have told us about! In fact I have been told that by shoving a pumpkin into the USB drive I have “damaged” the machine and am no longer welcome at Kinko’s.

FACT: Profit from the Westbrae Nursery Pumpkin Patch which runs from September 28th to October 31st WILL be secretly diverted to a shadowy organization called “the Cornell PTA”.  Sure, they say that they are a volunteer organization of local parents and educators who provide badly needed support to our school and our community. Sure they use those funds to put on beloved events in the community (like Cornell’s Got Talent), to provide key school materials, to enable classroom field trips, and even to pay for school infrastructure like projectors and the big blue awning. But, have you ever actually seen a PTA meeting? (seriously though, please come to the meetings and get involved) Are we to truly believe that all that the PTA does is done out of kindness, generosity, charity, and community spirit?

Oh, but the spidery roots of this so called “Pumpkin Patch” spread even further! Why, these nefarious “volunteers” are going the extra mile. Not only are they intending to profit from the sale of the ill defined gourds, but they want to sell confections, baked goods and treats, right there on the street corner!  Where children and the elderly can just walk by and buy them!

 I have it on good authority that, on Saturday October 12th and Saturday the 19th, from 11:30-3:00,  they will be out there at 1272 Gilman and they will be having their annual Bake Sale!

 But this is where we can get them! You see, they need Volunteers to run their precious bake sale. Yes, they are depending on you, their community to not only bake for them, but to stand out there selling those baked goods!

And thats where we strike! I have infiltrated the organization and will be personally overseeing this bake sale. Now, I need you to help me penetrate the secrets of this so called PTA. What I need you to do is to fill out this volunteer form, agree to bake on one or both days, or come and staff the table, or both!

Of course, it would be suspicious if we all signed up. For those of you (you know who you are) that can’t volunteer, there is one last chance, one final desperate way to save the day…. You can come on Saturday October 12th and Saturday the 19th, between 11:30-3:00,  and simply buy the baked goods. Cash or credit will be accepted. You can even eat the items when you are done!

For those looking to celebrate our imminent defeat of this so called “PTA” that is “helping our community and our children in vital ways”, you can visit Headlands Brewing (which has replaced the Westbrae Beer Garden at 1280 Gilman) for delicious burgers and beers on October 19th from 2-5pm where 10% of the proceeds will also go to the PTA! Why we could break all of their precious little “fundraising records” and make this year one that this foolish Parent Teacher Association will never forget!!!!

For more information on volunteering and other nefarious activities, you can email me at seth@redoakrealty.com or text/call 510.847.5673